To be or not to be

I believe that tattoo's are a form of storytelling. Ask anyone who has one and they have a story behind it or a meaning that is special to them.  I have a few tattoos and each one means something to me. My husband and I recently saved up enough to go get another one each. I had the hardest time trying to pick something because I wanted to honor my daughter but I aslo wanted want that reminded me to be me or better. I found several quotes I loved such as:

"Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage" Benjamin Mee (the guy who bought the zoo)

"Do one thing every day that scares you." Eleanore Roosevelt

"A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies" George R.R. Martin


"Well behaved women rarely make history" Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

and last but not least I saw on pinterest that someone had framed this quote and put it in their living room
"Don't forget to be Awesome today" Nerdfighters

I had such a hard time. How do I pick one quote that would help me each day? I couldn't I really couldn't I loved them all.  So I decided to pick one word "Be" and that would let me look at it and choose what I needed to "Be" at that time and place.

I added the cat and butterflies for my daughter. They are her two major loves in life right now and they light up her whole face when she see's them.

So I choose to "Be" awesome my first week of "Being" stay tuned to find out how awesome I can be!

Enough already!

I don't know about you but I got tired of hearing myself whine and complain and make excuses for my weight loss. So I stopped writting. You know what happened? (Of course you don't cause I stopped writting!) I figured something out. It's not that I am a carbohydrate addict (yes I am) or that I had post pardum (which I did) or that my body was resistant to exercise (it's not)

What I figured out is that it's easy and simple you just have to be ready to commit and go for it. I lost 15 pounds in the last couple months and am feeling better than I have in a long time.

• I stopped drinking alot of alcohol. I set limits for myself. I give myself one night a week to enjoy some clear liquor with seltzer and lime and I am in heaven.
• I stopped eating fast food. This one was really hard for me since I love Wendy's and Burger King and Taco time! The thing is that once I stopped eating it and then tried it two weeks later I was very disappointed in the taste! It was not as I remember. It was a sad  eye opening experience and it's been easier to avoid fast food ever since.
• I realized that me going to the gym for an hour was an hour without kids! What!!! An hour without kids and the focus is all on me and feeling good.  I am still not in love with running but I do love lifting weights it is fun to challenge myself and see how much I can do. 

That's it. That is all I have done differently! It's insane. My next move is to start eating clean. But this is the end of my weight loss blog. I have decided to take it in a different direction of self discovery. I will post again tomorrow and let you know what I am thinking! No more whining or making excuses for not being the person I want to be. This is going to be fun. I hope you stay with me on my journey!

80%

We have been eating Paleo for one whole week. Correction. We have been eating 80% Paleo and 20% clean eating. I think this is going to be the best all around for us.  We love us some noodles! We need an occasional sandwhich!  Honestly, we didn't tell the kids we were going to change our eating habits. I just did it.  We went from 4-5 loaves of bread a week to one. Amazing right? Our fridge is full of fruits, veggies, meats, eggs and individual yogurts! 

I was afraid the kids would revolt and complain about the lack of toast, sandwhiches and cereal.  You know what? Not one complaint this week. Not one! Double amazing.  Everyone ate their food until it was gone and then asked for more. Talk about blowing my mind!  One of the biggest hits had only   Three ingrediants but soooo delicious.The reciepe is here : Paleo Banana Pancakes
 and here is how ours looked

These pancakes are delicious and really don't need syrup but the kids and hubby don't think Pancakes are pancakes without it!

Weigh in: 191

Kinda disappointed about the weight but I do want to note that I only worked out once last week.  Also when I went to get dresses this morning I was able to wear a skirt that I have not been able to wear before! The best part was that there was no shimming in or pulling and tugging. I just put it on and it was lovely! Enjoy your week. I know I will!

What the Paleo?

I have been hiding out can you tell?

I gave up writing on this blog because I didn't feel I was being any good to myself or anyone. I felt I was a continual failure for not losing weight no matter what I tried.  Well, my baby has turned one and I have stopped breast feeding. These past few months I feel like I am coming out of a foggy stupor!  I am feeling more and more like my old self on the inside and now I think I am finally ready to match my outside to the inside.  I think that may be half of the battle right there!

                                                                It's a sticky situation

                                                           I'm ready to come out of hiding

My constant struggles of being a stay at home mom and trying to lose weight seem to boil down to a few things:
1. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant.  It is a daily struggle not to start smoking again.  Smoking for me was a stress reliever!  It let me cope with all the overwhelming stress in my life and not gain weight.  Now that I don't smoke I eat.
2. Eating. When I get bored, I eat. When I get stressed, I eat.  When I am stuck in the house with screaming bored kids, we all eat.  I don't make healthy choices at these times either! When faced with a carrot stick or the hidden ding dong above the fridge, you know which one I am going for!!
3. Purpose. Because I quit a job that I love to stay home with three kids, I have to find a new meaning and purpose in myself and with my family.  I feel like a lot of the time I lose myself so that everyone else is happy and satisfied.

It's time to take control!!!  I was talking with my brother (a handsome knowledgeable man) and he has been doing the Paleo Diet.  He told me he felt as good as he did in high school and had lost some weight.  I must admit I was very doubtful for myself.  I did some reading though and I like what they have to say about Paleo.  It's going back to the basics of clean eating food (I am a big fan of basics) from when we were nomads and lived good healthy lives (besides being chased by dinosaurs)
It does go against alot of conventional wisdom but being the rebel I am, I love it. 

I know that if we just dive in and change, the children, husband and myself will not be able to stick to it so I am going slowly.  I planned every single meal this week and when I went shopping I only bought fresh produce, eggs and meat.  However, I am not going to throw out the food we already have, I'm going to faze it out slowly.  When it's gone, it's gone and I will replace it with yummy whole foods that are unprocessed and fresh.  My plan is to cook the meals and then give reviews and let you all know what we thought!
I have also enrolled in school to start in the fall.  I am hoping this helps give me a sense of purpose for myself.  In January we got a family pass to the local recreational center and I go a few times a week to work out.  I have lost 10 pounds that way!  I am hoping that by continuing to better myself and learning new things that I can get out of my slump and start to live again!
This week I weigh 195.  My goal is to be 190 or 189 by next week this same time.  As I learn more I will write more and together we will learn. I hope ;)

Thank you pintrest.

I've had alot of fun browsing (obsessing) pintrest. I have done a few crafts but I can't show you because I am doing them as christmas gifts yea! But here are three things I have made and want to show off!
For my girls:

I made these:

And for my awesome cousin's wedding I made:

Yea! Happy crafting everyone!

Exercise #2

I am tired of avoiding myself so onto the next exercise!
Exercise #2
Question number 1: Why do I want to lose weight?
As I sit and think about this question it ends up being very simple. I want to be healthy. I want to be sexy. I want to fit in my clothes without the bumps and lumps.  I want to stop being tired.
Question number 2: Are you willing to challenge yourself and work for your goal?
I don't know. I want to. I really want to, I think of things I can do to change and then it never works out. I feel like I have no self control. I am a stress eater. I quit smoking and now I eat. I want to try to do this right, for me.
Question number 3: Are you willing to accept, love and nurture your whole self- independent of weight loss?
This is hard because again I don't know the answer. Again, I want to say yes but it's a struggle and it's a journey. I don't feel the same way about myself now at 196 pounds as I did at 150. I don't feel the same way about myself at 196 pounds as I did at 170. I hate to look at myself. I hate getting dressed everyday. I want to be able to love myself because I am funny and smart and caring but how do I look past what I am?

Peace, love and a 24" waist says When we challenge the beliefs that we hold about the size of our bodies, we become conscious of the impact these thoughts have on our entire life. Creating a lifestyle that promotes weight loss is actually a lot easier that many people believe, but before you being the physical part of your journey towards greater health and well-being, you must first dismantle the biggest obstacle to weight loss success-

My weight story

Exercise number 1: Tell your weight story.

I believe my weight story began in my mid twenties. I met a boy. I met a boy who I fell madly in love with. A boy who did not love me but did love finding different ways to hurt me. Because of this I got depressed and with my depression I ate and drank more than a health person.  Because my self esteem was so low I didn't leave. I stayed and endured. I stayed and gained more and more weight.  I went to see my doctor who told me "there is nothing wrong with you except you are fat. Try eating an apple instead"

I stayed in my depression, weight gain and abusive relationship until I got a new job with wonderful caring people (thank you TSA Lihue!) who showed me I was better than the situation I was in. One of the most difficult things I have done was leave but I am forever grateful I was able to find the courage. I came home to a family that loved me and found a job that meant something to me.

Once I was home and working, I started to lose weight, I started to gain confidence in myself. Then I met the man of my dreams and the weight just melted off! I was down to a size eight and very active. 
I was able to maintain my weight for two years! Then I got pregnant! Yea!
I had a wonderful easy pregnancy followed by a short painful labor and then bam. I was a mom. The best thing in the entire world.  Three months after having my lovely Mae, I had to go back to work. I went back to a different position and for less pay. I very much struggled with it. I cried often and felt immense guilt for leaving my baby (even though it was at night when she was sleeping) I started eating and eating and eating. I gained 25 pounds! I didn't even gain that when I was pregnant. Dang.  Because of my working graveyard shifts, I am up 20 hours when I should be sleeping. I eat all night to try and stay awake. When I am home I am tired and don't feel like I have the energy to do what I used to do. Also we have had alot of added stress to our house from outside factors. So what we have here is
Renewed depression + working graveyards + using food to cope with stress+ lack of activity= fat girl.

And there my friends is my weight story. Exercise one complete. Sigh. These are rough.